wonder-ing

I wonder. 

Every day I wonder. 

For so long I've wondered. 

I wonder what, when, why, wether I should, wether I shouldn't. 

I wonder what if. What if I hadn't left? What if had come back? What if I had said what I needed when I needed it?

I wonder if I still can, if I still should. I wonder if I would be doing it for me, or you. 

I wonder wether I should let go, or hold on. I would like to stop wondering. But is there something that would make me stop wondering?

Any road you take, you wonder, should you have taken another?

And I'm content with the roads taken, the choices made. But I can't help wondering. What if I had come back?

I wonder if I could ask you, do you wonder? I know the answer. I'm sure of it. And still, the doubt, the uncertainty, indeed the wondering... it's always there. 

Every day I wonder. Because every day is a reminder of the choice made. And every day, the posibility of that day being different hunts me in the form of wondering. 

Every day something makes me think of you, and me, and the fact that there is no you and me. Every choice I make that leads me further from that hipothetical you and me, still hurts. The hipothetical you and me hurts deeper than the actual non-existing you and me. Everything that could have been, everything that could have happened, the children, the house, the life we could have had. The life that I'm about to chose to share with someone else.

And so at 02:15 wondering keeps me awake. Do you wonder?

 

 

he derives and I laugh

Whether I hate him or not is mainly a matter of nomenclature, maybe of degrees of separation between two antonyms. Words have lost their power, or the power i thought they had, or their specific weight. He has his own lenguage, so everything with him refers to the perfect art of philology. It is lovely that he won't call himself a poet in spite of his incredible polysemic virtuosity. So he derives and I laugh raising above mundane love. We both hate that word, thank the lord above. I am well aware of the cowardness of writing in english. It is lighter and not my truth. I am using just sounds that represent feelings that I don't wanna have, much less hear in my own words. So I guess I'm using another country to confess; I like him and it's a nightmare, not because of the scary plot, but for the absolute notion that I'm dreaming soon to wake up.

(Entrada sin título)

Cómo se dice "no te olvides" en francés? 
No te olvides, de la gente. La gente que siempre estuvo y que siempre está. Los irremplazables, los que nunca te dejan tirado. Los que pasan un domingo, un lunes o un feriado nacional escuchándote, sí, a vos, que no paras de hablar del sorete de tu ex. De los que te lastimaron, y de los que te enseñaron. De los que te quisieron, y de los que no.
No te olvides, de tus libertades. De todo lo que hiciste, solo porque podías. De las birras que te tomaste, de los vinos que cataste (aunque fueran de esos de presentación rectangular acartonada). De las noches que caminaste un poco más, porque no tenías ganas de llegar a casa todavía. De las vueltas que diste, porque sí, porque pudiste. 
No te olvides, de los libros que leíste. De las películas que viste. De todo lo que aprendiste. No te olvides de las historias, de las escuchaste y de las que viviste. De las canciones que cantaste, de los textos que escribiste. 
No te olvides de los momentos, los que te dieron aliento, y los que te dejaron sin. Los que te llenan el alma con solo el recuerdo, y los que te duelen bien adentro. Los que te deshicieron y los que te hicieron. Los que sumaron, restaron o simplemente rompieron. Los que te partieron en mil pedazos, y los que te compusieron.
No te olvides de lo que fuiste, para que recuerden lo que serás.
No te olvides de querer, ni de vivir, porque tal vez, mañana no puedas. 
Pero más que nada, ne m'oublie pas

Ghost

I urge when you’re near, I hurt when you’re far. I need to loose fear, I know that I can’t. I wish to tell you, everything I feel. I wish you could hear, everything I tell you. I crave your tears and smiles. I miss the things we did, those that would make anyone else run. I long for your eyes, even when all I see in them is the ghost of the past.

Nunca me gustó depender de vos. Esa cosa de necesitarte sin que me necesites. Esa sensación de estar dando más, pidiendo más. Esa manera tuya tan natural de no demandar nada, esa manera tan mía de exigir todo. Esa cosa que solo vos sabes generar en mí. Eso, que te hace tan vos. Eso mismo que me hace a mí necesitarte así. Esa historia que solo vos sabes contar y que a mí me encanta escuchar. Esa risa que solo vos sabes generar. Esa angustia que hasta hoy, solo tus mensajes me saben dar. Porque hasta hoy, me seguís faltando.

Esa cosa que algunos llaman amor, pero bien podría llamarse dependencia.

Aprendí

Aprendí a no tenerte, pero no a no quererte. Aprendí, que no se puede tener lo que no quiere ser tenido. Aprendí, que no importa cuánto lo quiera, no puedo. Aprendí a tenerte, sin tenerte en lo absoluto. Aprendí a acostumbrarme, a tenerte, a no tenerte, pero sobre todo a quererte. Aprendí a vivirte, sin saberte. Aprendí a extrañarte, a esperarte. Aprendí a recordarte, sin esfuerzo. Aprendí a creerte, que nunca te perdería. Aprendí a perderte. Aprendí a borrarte, sin superarte. Hoy no sé cómo, no tenerte, ni quererte. Hoy no sé cómo, tenerme, sin tenerte. Pero más que nada, hoy, no sé cómo querer, sin quererte. Hoy, aprendí a olvidarte.

not

I haven't written anything that wasn't about calculus o algebra in quite a few time now. Months, maybe years. It's hard to get back.
I believe that when you stop doing something you like for a while, it gets inside your soul. And the loger you wait, the deeper it gets. The "writer" (I am not a writer, I just write) in me must be about a thousand yards deep inside my soul. For a moment I thought I lost her. I sat, thought, tried, and couldn't. I just couldn't write a word.
It used to be so easy... writing. Now it's not.

eso

Nunca me atacó un oso. Tal vez sea por eso que no tengo nada interesante sobre qué escribir. Tal vez sea porque mi mejor amigo acaba de llamarme de a 400 kms solo para decirme que anotara en un pedazo de papel que la cotización del dolar hoy en Uruguay es de 18.40 la venta y 19.10 la compra. Quizá sea porque nunca me animé a decir nada. O porque nunca tuve la oportunidad. Quizá hubiese sido diferente si hubiese tratado más, mejor. En una de esas fue solo por las decisiones, las mal tomadas. Me gustaría pensar que en cada momento hice lo que creí mejor, no solo para mí, sino para todos. Me duele admitir que no fue así. No me arrepiento de haber tomado las decisiones que tomé porque éstas me llevaron a tener lo que hoy tengo: el mejor novio del mundo y un grupo de amigos sin igual. Pero aún así me resulta imposible pensar que las cosas no podrían haber sido diferentes, mejores, mucho mejores.

defenitely is not a word

I love him. Definitely. I'm surely scared of saying it out loud. I'm even scared of saying it in my own language. That's me, I have always had my way of spoiling every good chance at happiness I get, and take my word on this, that doesn't happen very often. I have always had a way of making thing go my way too, and this is not gonna be the one and only exception. Saying "I love you" is not gonna be enough, and we both know that. For once in my life, I'm gonna be the one to take a step forward. He knows I love him. Now I have to prove it if I really want this to work.

over-eighties

For hundred of years humankind has been looking for the recipe of immortality. We have not found it yet bur we are getting closer and closer as people are living longer and longer. While science advances, along does medicine; who would tell two thousand years ago that people would live past the century? That the number of people over eighty in our population has grown is a fact. But the real question is, is that something we should be grateful for, or is that something that we should be afraid of? There is no simple answer to that, specially as it can be seen from to clearly different points of view: the elderly's point of view and the society's.

There is one main reason why the increase in the number of elderly people can benefit a society. In the first place, older people are nice and quiet. By this I mean that in a city with more elderly people than twenty-year-olds, vandalism rates would surely be low and there would be a notoriously smaller number of crimes than in an average city. Furthermore, the society wouldn't be the only benefited factor in that equation. The elderly's social lives would be enhanced. They would have more places to go as they would be the most abundant customer, they would meet more people their age, etc.

On the other hand, a society full of old people can carry with it a series of drawbacks. To start with, economy would be severely affected due to the fact that the elderly do not produce since they do not work. Also, they do not consume as much as young people as they stay at home and do not go out much. As for them, I do not see how this could be a disadvantage.

All things considered, even though the increase in life expectancy could certainly be seen as progress, there are some negative aspects that we should pay special attention to. As far as I am concerned, the over-eighties need to have their place in society, not to be the society itself.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. 
You should stand up for your right to feel your pain”.

J. Morrison

g

Sueña que aún hay esperanzas. 

Que para mí, nada cambió.

Que para mí, tú sigues siendo el mismo.

Dime que aún es posible.

Que yo sigo siendo para ti, lo que fui. 

Piensa que lo nuestro nunca acabó.

Que simplemente nos alejamos.

Que la vida nos da otra oportunidad.

Que la vida nos vuelve a juntar.

                                                                                  Paulina Mönckeberg

i'd like to say we did it for the better of

I just don't want to ever have to miss you again. I love you; I must have said those words over a thousand times, but I didn't know what they meant til the day I met you. Well... maybe not til the they I actually met you. It took me so long to fall in love with you... so many falls, so many mistakes, and tears. It took me so much to love you that I don't even know if I'm in love with you or I`'m in love with the simplicity that things have always had when it comes to us. I don't have to shower, or wear make up. I don't need no skirts or fancy dresses. I don't have to try to make you like me because you already do, and what can be simpler than that?
Until some days ago I believed that you would love me no matter what. You have said that several times, and you have even proved it. Some times everything works so well, and then it just doesn't. Yo seem to change your mind about everything, so suddenly. Don't get me wrong, i don't mind about you changing your mind about things, but I do mind you changing your mind about us, about me. I would love to have the certainty that you're not just gonna wake up tomorrow wanting more, more than I will ever be able to give you.
I bet you say the exact same thing about me, how come we're so similar and so different at the same time?
We shouldn't we having these problems. We have always known how to ignore the important things, and maybe that's what got us here. I don't have a real explanation for what we both feel for each other. I used to think that it was one of those loves that could move mountains, but I'm starting to doubt that. It doesn't matter if we cannot agree on things, cause we have always found a way to make it not matter, to make it go away, to not letting it hurt. But I believe we're running out of strategies now.
We used to make such a great team, what happened to us? We've both made mistakes. I have, and you have too. But we never let those mistakes tear us apart until now. You introduced me to myself, and when you left you took me with you. I wish I could say things are better now, I truly wish I could say we are better off without each other. I can't speak for you, but, as for my self... I want you back.

d

And here I am, a lonely girl who's only friend is this notebook, and, if I'm lucky maybe the pencil will like me too, I think we get along well though. Writing is my only passion and I'm not even good at it.

fascinantemente caótico

El flaco habla y yo me desmorono. No me interesa, no, en lo más mínimo lo que está diciendo. Crátilo y Hermogenes, Wilkins y Borges. Es tan perfecto, tan fascinantemente caótico.

sin más

Luces. No tantas. Se mueven, sí. Se mueven. Hacía tanto ya desde la última vez. No estaba sola esa vez. Me gustaría no estarlo ahora. Sé que va a volver. Estoy segura, de verdad lo estoy. No sé cómo. No sé cuándo. Quiero creer que el "cuándo" se convertirá pronto en "pronto". Sé que va a volver. No sé si volveré. Nunca estuve sola, tan sola. He estado mejor, sí. No lo voy a negar, no. Me gusta estar sola, conmigo, cerca de mi. Es difícil, lo admito. Sé que puedo though. Que es cuestión de costumbre. Que algún día, hopefully no muy lejano, voy a estar bien. Bien, sin más.

cuando tu conejo se convierte en rey de corazones

Juró amarme. Prometió nunca haber siquiera pensado en otra. Me negó todo lo que los demás dijeron. Tanto cariño me mostró que me vi obligada a creer. Tanto fue que me obligué a ponerlo incluso antes que a mis amigos. Elegí creer en él porque era más fácil, dolía menos. Menos doloroso era pensar que el resto mentía, mucho más lo era pensar que él lo hacía. Una vez que podes creer, o crees poderlo hacer, todo se vuelve más fácil. Nada es cuestionable. Si el lo dice, así es! Es ahí, cuando crees ver todo tan claro, cuando de verdad duele. Cuando te bajas de la nubecita. Cuando te das cuenta que no estas en wonderland, ni sos Alice. Cuando tu conejo se convierte en rey de corazones. Suerte que Carroll nos dio al sombrerero.
No todo lo que muerde necesariamente es un lobo, pero todos los lobos necesariamente muerden. En pocas palabras, debe haber sido fácil estar en tu lugar. "Me pintaste el pasto de azul y resultó ser verde.", sabias palabras de algún alguien que solía ser mi amigo. Resulta que tuvo razón todo este tiempo, pero yo no lo quise ver.

vos

Tu voz me saca de mis casillas. Rompe hasta el último átomo de pensamiento lógico que me queda. Suprimís el sentido común de todos mis esquemas. Todo rastro de coherencia desaparece y lo único que queda en mi sos vos.

totally into it...

"Just because you have long hair and are willing to dip it in paint and whip it around, flinging paint everywhere, doesn't mean you should." 
THAT COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER DONE IT, THOSE PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN!! Maybe the mere fact that you can, means you should.

what better than a two-word sentence

Feel like I'm trying too hard. Love him. Want him. Probably in love. Don't know. Confusion. Want something else. Want someone else. Settling. Don't want to. Hate him. Hate me. Can't live without. Him. Try to concentrate. Impossible. Want more. Want him. Want to end it. Want to start something new. Want to meet someone. Won't. Settle. Not good. Not going anywhere. Need to end it. Told me he loved me. Couldn't answer back. Not sure. Of anything. Need rewinding. Need  Ø.